Jokes

Seat Belt Prize 4 People in car, 2 in the front, one asleep in the back, one curled up in the trunk. Cop comes up behind with siren. They pull over. Cop walks to drivers' window. Driver: What seems to be the problem, officer? Cop: No problem! I just wanted to tell you that you are the one hundredth person I've seen wearing a seat belt today, which means you have won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition! Driver: That's great! What a surprise! Cop: So, buddy, what are you going to do with your winnings? Driver: Well, first I'll get my drivers license and then I'll pay off all those warrants. Rider: Ah, don't believe him! He always talks big when he's drunk! Sleeper (waking up): Whoa! A cop. Darn it all! I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car. Guy in Trunk: Hey! Amigos! Have we crossed the border yet?       What is the diffrence between stress, tension & panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant. Tension is when girl friend is pregnant. Panic is when both are pregnant.   Sardar told his girl friend "Darling come to my house today night nobody will be there." She said OK i will. At night girlfriend went to Sardar's house and nobody was there!!!       A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "dad" with the worst rumination, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear dad, This is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion,  dad she's pregnant and barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for he whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need. In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for aids so that barbara can get better; she sure deserves  it!! Don't worry, dad, i'm 15 years old now and i know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John P.S: Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my reportcard which is in my desk center drawer. I love you! P.S: Call when it's safe for me to come home             How stock markets work!!! It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was Going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," The man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy." PS: This is how stock markets work!!!         God made Earth and rested, God made man and rested, God made woman, and since then neither God nor man rested.       I, walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." I said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Takea little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." I thought about it for a long time. Finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they meanwhen they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?""    johns