Laugh Out Loud


This newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It continues to pour for the rest of the week.
Leaning out of her apartment window, she sees a little boy playing on the stoop below and asks, “Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”
The kid looks up at her and yells, “How should I know? I’m only six.”.






“Daddy,” says a boy to his father, “you lost your credit card months ago and you still haven’t reported it.”
“That’s because I’ve realized that the thief spends less than your mother.”





Juan vega, a clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan’s house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.
“Sure,” his wife said. “It will cost you $500.”
“That much?”
“But you’re getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town.”
“I just want Juan. I’ll hire him alone for $350,” the man countered.
“Sorry,” she shrugged. “You can’t have Juan without the otter.”





On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink.
“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
“Okay,” his date replied.
“What will you tell your Sunday school class?” he asked, shocked.
“The same thing I always tell them. ‘You don’t have to drink or smoke to have a
good time.’ ”





A man is recovering from minor surgery when his nurse comes in to check on him.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”
“What did he say?”the nurse asks.
“Oops.”





Q: What’s round and bad-tempered?
A: A vicious circle.





While visiting an old and spooky country house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide informed her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
“And how long have you worked here?” asked the woman.
“Three hundred years.”





A couple are debating whether computers are male or female.

"Definitely female," said the husband. "You spend half of your salary on accessories for them and even the smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for use at a later date."

"Nope," said his wife. "They're male. To get their attention you have to turn them on and as soon as you commit to one, you realize you could have got a better model if you'd waited longer."