A hillbilly was visiting the big city and checked into a nice hotel downtown. At the counter, he signed his name with an X and started to walk away. Then he stopped, turned and put a circle around the X.
“Now, I’ve seen lots of people from the mountains sign with an X,” the clerk said. “But I’ve never seen one with a circle around it. Why’d you do that?”
“Well, you know how it is,” the man replied. “When you’re in a strange place, sometimes you don’t want to use your real name.”


A couple are lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man, smiles and says, “I’m going to make you the happiest man in the world.”
The man replies, “I’ll miss you.”


Why is Christmas like a day in the office?
You do all the work and the fat bloke in the suit gets all the credit.


Finally, after six girls, Luke’s wife had a boy. But he had only a head—nothing else. Luke didn’t care, though. He was just happy to have a boy.

On his kid’s 21st birthday, Luke took him to a bar. “A shot of your best Scotch,” he ordered.

The boy drank it, and—POOF—he grew a neck. Amazed, Luke then ordered another and—POP—a torso sprouted. “Keep ’em coming!” Luke shouted. Eventually, the boy had a whole body. Everyone cheered.

Tipsy, the boy stood on his new legs and stumbled to the left ... to the right ... out by the front door and into the path of a truck.

The bar fell silent.

“He should’ve stopped drinking,” the bartender said, “while he was a head.”


“I’m afraid that when you take these exam results home to your father his hair will go grey,” a teacher told one of her pupils.
“Wow, he’ll be so happy,” enthused the boy. “He’s completely bald.”

The waiter asks: “What would you like for dessert?”
Customers:
“Nothing for me.”
“I’m full.”
“I couldn’t eat another thing.”

Hearing all that, the waiter looks surprised, points to the menu and says, “But it’s included with your meal.”
Customers:
“Ice cream.”
“Nut tart.”
“Chocolate cake.”


Blinded by the Light

Funny
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.

Funnier
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes 12 steps.

Funniest
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?


An IT nerd is crossing the road when he meets a frog who tells him, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess, stay with you for a week and do anything you want.”
The IT nerd smiles and puts the frog in his pocket.
“Did you hear me?” says the frog. “I said I’ll do anything for a week.”
The nerd ignores it.
“Oy! What are you playing at?” it shouts. “A beautiful princess? For a week? That’s irresistible!”
“Look,” says the nerd. “I’m a computer expert. I haven’t got time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog—now that’s cool.”